Tuesday, July 17, 2012

bro spotting 101

it's the moment you've all been waiting for! the blog post many people have asked me to write! this is a little post detailing how to spot "a bro," and why you shouldn't date him.

let's face it, the provo bro population is practically bursting at the seams. to be honest, it often seems to me that the bros far outnumber the nice guys. now if you don't know what a bro is i'll try to help you out. this is pretty provo specific, but perhaps others of you can apply these little pearls of wisdom to your own demographics. i know, i know. you may be asking, why does laura think she's qualified to write this kind of post?? well blogosphere, my dating experiences over the past 2 years have been pretty much exclusively with bros, so i have come to know a thing or two about their species. 

what is a bro?
well ladies, a bro is many things. "tool," and "douche bag," are also some blunt terms that are sometimes applied to bros. but just because a guy is a bro doesn't mean that he's super tool-y all the time, just probably more than most. here, let me help you out with some indicators. 

-he may or may not live at such establishments as alpine village, the new up-and-coming monstrosity in so pro (what we like to call the alpine of the south) called the village, belmont, arlington, or any place sketchy. i've heard there's a bustling bro population at king henry, as well
-there's a good chance he has money. but this certainly isn't a qualification.
-he's probably dating/wants to date who we would classify as a "ho." (See *what is a "ho?")
-he may tan. publicly or privately. (if he does tan he is DEFINITELY a bro. there's just no doubt about it.)
-he probably works out. a lot. or says he does. or wishes he did.
-he really likes to play "soda pong," meaning that he probably secretly wishes he was playing beer pong. or at least likes to party.
-he says the words, "dog," "bro," "brosky, " or "brosef" in all seriousness
-he's super obsessed with sports, and makes it a point that everyone knows it. he may even periodically shout things like, "COME ON!!!!"
-he wears hats. yall know which ones i'm talking about. not legit baseball caps (that's just kind of endearing), and not fedoras (that's just kind of gay). this is not necessarily a dead giveaway, but in my experience bros are usually pretty into hats. 
-he frequents dance parties, and hangs out at places like the loft or studio 600. he lives for the halloween alpine dance
-he loves to wear the skank top even when it's only moderately warm outside, i.e. a tank top. the skank top is pretty much a definite bro giveaway. 
-he's well dressed. he may even judge other men for being poorly dressed.
-he is open about his affinity for swearing 
-he frequently tears other people down 
-he's a big fan of the ncmo. aka, the non committal make out

does any of this sound familiar? if you know a guy that possesses 3 or more of these traits chances are that he's a bro

are all bros bad guys?
no!! definitely not! bros are fun guys! they make excellent friends! often they have your back, will defend you to the end, and always invite you to do really fun stuff. i love having bros as my friends. they're funny and can entertain you with their blatant bro-ness. just because a guy is a bro doesn't mean that he isn't a good man. (although, if there's an excess of sketchery he probably is not a good guy. you have to be the judge on that one.) the point is, have as many bro friends as you want. JUST DON'T DATE THEM. 

why shouldn't i date a bro?
oh my gosh, so glad you asked. just so many reasons. here's some bro dating advice. if you've recently started dating a bro, or are thinking about dating a bro- DON'T DO IT!!! you may find yourself thinking/saying
-"i mean he kinda comes off like a bro, but he's actually really nice!"
ladies!!! if he comes off as a bro, or kinda seems like a bro, it's because he IS a bro!!! and just because he looks really nice doesn't mean that he is really nice. move along.
-"well, he's kind of a bro right now, but i bet i can get him to settle down."
 no. no, you really can't. bros only stop being bros on their own time. usually after mannnnyyy years of being a bro, and then realizing that it's time to grow up. this cannot be rushed. chances are that he wants to hook up with you, or casually date you for a while. he probably does not want to marry you. bottom line, you can't wait for bros to stop being bros because 98% of the time, it's just not going to happen. 
-"i know i'm not his usual type, but i think that's what he needs."
you're probably right about that, but he's probably not going to see it that way. either a bro will stop being a bro on his own time, or he'll just keep being a bro and marry a ho. and they will have douche bag children that we all know and hate. simple as that.   

*what is a "ho?"
again, so glad you asked. a category provo "ho" is by no means, necessarily, skanky. she certainly, certainly could be. about half the time they are. for the most part the term "ho" is really just a way for us to classify the counterpart for the bro. and it rhymes. here are some good ways to spot a provo ho. 
-she tans
-her hair is always perfectly curled/styled at all times
-perfect/full makeup at all times
-hates nature
-has money
-says things like, "omg, shut up!!!!"
-obsessed with instagram
-always texting, even when you're talking to her
-basically follows all rules on this site 
-possibly reeaalllllyyy dumb
-has trouble making girl friends
-is often involved in girl drama
-used to be/is/wants to be a cheerleader
-goes to the gym with perfect hair/make up/skimpy outfit
-very clique-y. these girls often think that there is no clique problem
-lives at the same aforementioned "bro" living establishments
-frequently goes hot tubbing so she can show off her hot suit/bod
-she's hot. she knows it. bros are like this, too.
-always/frequently immodest. as lame as it sounds, it's the dead giveaway. let's be honest, it's provo. it's very socially acceptable to wear tankinis, sleeves, and normal shorts/skirts/dresses/pants.
*SIDENOTE: if your pockets fall below where your shorts cut off, your shorts are too short.  

you look ridiculous. seriously.

does any of this sound familiar? if you know a girl that has 3 or more of these traits, it's very likely that she's a provo ho. 

 so what?
so, if at the end of the day all you want to do is hook up with some hot guy while also doing whatever you want while you're not with him, then you should definitely date a bro! but if you want to seriously, exclusively date someone with the intent to marry them, then do not date a bro. and from my own personal experience, bros do not make you feel good about yourself. the most selfish of bros just want to feel good about themselves, and they want you to make them feel good about themselves, too. 

how about we all go and find some nice boys to date. yes?