same old

i won't apologize for not updating this blog in over a month because that just gets old. that's just me. the only time i was able to update my blog like i wanted was when it was for a grade. actually i think i'm nearing in on 2 months without an update. ooooohhh well. i am just still me. 

i won't lie, my life feels sort of like a mess right now. sort of exactly like the mess that has been in my new room in my new apartment for the past 2 days. a big, gigantic pile of just stuff that you can't walk through, or even really sort through because there is just too much. so many things you don't recognize, and so many different things from a million different places. 

i am back in provo where i live, and where i guess is my home. i've written on this very blog about it being my home. it doesn't feel like my home right now. i feel like an outsider looking in from a very old memory- like i'm slowly remembering thing after thing about all my surroundings. i feel like everyone else can tell. they know i don't belong, too. i keep expecting to see everyone i know, but i don't recognize any faces. 

and then i do see someone i know! someone i haven't seen in almost a year! maybe they are my friend and maybe they're just someone i knew. both have happened so far. it's so exciting and surreal to see my friends but so weird to see the faces of people who i forgot existed. 

i've only been back in america for 3 weeks and now i'm back in provo and it's just a double transition. because provo is like no other place in the world. except i bet it's pretty similar to rexburg in most ways. and i have so many decisions to make right now that i'm not ready to make. i have to decide where i want to live in the summer and even where i want to live this NEXT year. i have to decide that this month. i have to plan this around the lives of other people. i have to plan around a million uncertainties. i want to find a job that i don't know if i'll be able to find. i have to make new friends that i don't know if i'll be able to make. i want to see old friends that might not have time to see me. they might be busy with their new friends and new lives. i'm worried that there just won't be a place for me to fit. or belong. but to be fair i worried about that in london, and a million other places in my life where i have always found a spot. 

i've seen a million things and been to so many new places but i'm still the same. i worry about the same things and i want the same things. and i just hope that everything will work out the way i want it to. but i know that i have a lot of people that love me and that everything will work out. 

maybe after a few weeks i'll assimilate and it will seem like i've just been here all along. like you couldn't even pick me out of a crowd as someone who didn't naturally belong here.