it's like coming home

so my days here are numbered. i keep getting emails from Delta airlines and BYU travel services telling me when i'm supposed to go home and when my flights are. it's like- how bout you stop telling me when i need to leave and let me forget about it. 

i'm excited to come home, but i'm also really nervous. more i'm nervous about going back to provo, not nervous to go home. 

but before i go there i want to talk about the concept of "going home." like when people say something feels like coming home. or that talking to certain people feels like going home. that whole concept. and making my home at various places all over the world (now) and all over provo. i feel like i've made a little home for myself here with my little bulletin board and my 2 thumbtacks (so i can't even barely put anything up), but still my little space and the centre is my home right now. in my apartment over the summer- i didn't really want to decorate it much or anything because i knew i'd be moving out soon. maybe i never really wanted to get attached. anyway in the end i don't feel like that place was a home to me. at least it wasn't like a safe haven.

why i'm pretty scared to return to provo:

mostly i'm just afraid of where i'll fit in when i come back. my friends have new friends. they have new boyfriends and girlfriends. i see pictures of my old roommates together without bryn and i and i feel left out. i feel like its wrong, like we should be in those pictures. i wonder how things will be with us when we get back. i'm sure they won't be the same, even though i want them to be. i wonder if bryn and i are missed here by our friends and old roommates. i wonder if i'm missed. i fear being forgotten. 

and i'm afraid maybe i won't be able to make friends in my new ward because everyone already has their friends and my old roommates will always be my best friends but i worry they won't have time for me with everything new that has been going on. i'm worried people will be too busy to be my friend! but i'm also excited to go back to my life! and having an apartment! and i miss america. and yes, even provo. and slab pizza! and j dawgs! and the dollar theater! and byu sports. and my friends. and my brother and sister. and just byu. and how much i hate the fact that fry sauce is ubiquitous. sometimes provo is just the worst, but i also really love it and byu. it's my home. 

also:

i got no needs to worry bout nothin b/c in like 2 weeks i'm going to BERLIN AND ROME!!

 

being here really is the best thing i've ever done