i hate:

i hate that i have dated so many, or really any, stupid boys. i know they are stupid because they can't spell, even with a smart phone, and don't know the difference between they're, there, and their, and your/you're. they also put commas in totally incorrect places and also love to text using 'u' and 'r' instead of just taking 4 more seconds to type 'you' and 'are.' oh, and they also need me to define many of the common words i use. and it's like i knew they were kinda dumb. but for some reason it did not deter me at the time.

 

i bet he has perfect spelling and punctuation habits.

i also hate that i own so few skirts it's stupid. as in i own 2 skirts. and both are black and both are pencil skirts. one is just tighter/higher waisted than the other.

oh and i also hate that i'm pretty much having finals week this week. since our program is over in a week and a half. saaaayy whhaattt?? you heard me.

happy turkeys to all!!

today is turkey day! and since sunday my parents have been here with me in london so i've still been able to spend it with family. they're so american, though. well really just steve. so loud. always. but they crack me up and i love them. and also thanksgiving dinner today was like one of the best meals of my life. i can't wait until christmas. 

need i mention that i come home in 2 1/2 weeks? i can't even believe it. but i'm getting a lot more excited to go back to provo so i'm really happy about that. 

also we're watching inception right now and having a gruggle. which is translated as a group snuggle. 

i want to talk about something else now. this is why i changed fonts. yesterday with my parents i finally saw les miserables. i've been fighting against this play since i was in like 6th grade because no one speaks and when i was in 6th grade and we had to watch the recording i thought it was boring. but more than that i hated how everyone in the theatre world that thinks they're better than everyone else says that les mis is their fav show and when they audition they only sing songs from it. it's the most pretentious condescending thing in the world. BUT it really is a beautiful show. i think instead of hating those people and the show i will just continue to hate those people. but love the show. 

but more than that when it ended i had my theatre nerd moment and my eyes teared a little and i got chills all over. and then it was the curtain call and immediately everyone gave a standing ovation. and i remembered how good it feels to come out and have all the lights shining on you and look out into a dark audience applauding for you and feeling so full. just feeling on fire. feeling fearless like you can do anything and like everything you tried to do and all the work you put into it was more than worth it. and then i felt a little guilty because these feelings go back to the selfish joys of acting. 

but then i thought about directing. which is what i'm going to do. what i want to do. and what i really am passionate about. and i know it will challenge me my whole life. and i thought about seeing what i've made and all the actors bowing and being so proud and happy and knowing how much they (usually) have loved the experience. and i know primarily i'll just be doing high school and stuff, but i thought about how happy their (the actors) parents and friends will be after seeing them in a great show. (because i won't be doing bad work. obviously.) and then feeling just as good, if not better, as when i'm acting. the feeling of creation is so powerful, i think. being able to see this almost live painting and to say, i made this. i did this. or at least, i was a part of this. and maybe while being in my show people will create memories that they really will remember, and maybe even treasure, their whole lives. i think maybe that right there is all worth it. 

i feel grateful for so much

what i want

so here are some things i want in my life right now

1) i want to learn how to tie a tie. permanently. as in i want to learn and then i don't ever want to forget. 

 Oh yeah. I got this. 

2)i want to buy some ankle boots. i think it's time and some people told me they think i'm trendy enough to pull it off.

that's it for now. 

quote? ok. it's from the film, the fantastic mr. fox. 

ash: i'm not different. am i?

mrs. fox: we all are. but there's something kind of fantastic about that, isn't there? 

couldn't have said it better myself, mrs. fox. 

it's like coming home

so my days here are numbered. i keep getting emails from Delta airlines and BYU travel services telling me when i'm supposed to go home and when my flights are. it's like- how bout you stop telling me when i need to leave and let me forget about it. 

i'm excited to come home, but i'm also really nervous. more i'm nervous about going back to provo, not nervous to go home. 

but before i go there i want to talk about the concept of "going home." like when people say something feels like coming home. or that talking to certain people feels like going home. that whole concept. and making my home at various places all over the world (now) and all over provo. i feel like i've made a little home for myself here with my little bulletin board and my 2 thumbtacks (so i can't even barely put anything up), but still my little space and the centre is my home right now. in my apartment over the summer- i didn't really want to decorate it much or anything because i knew i'd be moving out soon. maybe i never really wanted to get attached. anyway in the end i don't feel like that place was a home to me. at least it wasn't like a safe haven.

why i'm pretty scared to return to provo:

mostly i'm just afraid of where i'll fit in when i come back. my friends have new friends. they have new boyfriends and girlfriends. i see pictures of my old roommates together without bryn and i and i feel left out. i feel like its wrong, like we should be in those pictures. i wonder how things will be with us when we get back. i'm sure they won't be the same, even though i want them to be. i wonder if bryn and i are missed here by our friends and old roommates. i wonder if i'm missed. i fear being forgotten. 

and i'm afraid maybe i won't be able to make friends in my new ward because everyone already has their friends and my old roommates will always be my best friends but i worry they won't have time for me with everything new that has been going on. i'm worried people will be too busy to be my friend! but i'm also excited to go back to my life! and having an apartment! and i miss america. and yes, even provo. and slab pizza! and j dawgs! and the dollar theater! and byu sports. and my friends. and my brother and sister. and just byu. and how much i hate the fact that fry sauce is ubiquitous. sometimes provo is just the worst, but i also really love it and byu. it's my home. 

also:

i got no needs to worry bout nothin b/c in like 2 weeks i'm going to BERLIN AND ROME!!

 

being here really is the best thing i've ever done

a trip to the beach

oh hey, did you remember that i went to paris?

 i love the seine. i love the eiffel. love

 wuzzup hall of mirrors!

 pensive little guys

 do we resemble quasimodo? i thought so.

 thems is skulls, people!

 if you've seen the da vinci code i don't need to explain what's buried under here

she's lookin good, huh?

oh paris, i really do miss you. except for the fact that i love to speak english. 

a trip to the beach

 i dare you to tell me this doesn't look like saddam hussein

 us and the elderly hang here in the afternoons

 "we got nothin but time"

 we take our greyhound betting seriously

they so cute!!! or are they creepy???

:)

natalie is the best photog eva (the rest of these are hers)

compliments of the brighton museum of art!

 just another game of rock count

 i take rock cup very seriously

we loved brighton

brighton games

-rock faces: finding the faces of famous people/animal in rocks on the beach

-rock bounce: throwing rocks as you might skip them so they bounce all over the other rocks. you win if yours bounces the highest/has the most amount of bounces/causes a rock explosion amongst the other rocks (my personal fav/best game)

-rock cup: trying to knock over the empty milkshake cup 10 or so feet in front of us

-rock people: try to hit the person who is re-setting the cup after it has been knocked down

-rock stick: try to hit the rocks that are being thrown at you with a stick of driftwood

-rock count: closing your eyes and guessing how many rocks have been placed on your stomach

-random number generator: when the lotto numbers are being announced at the greyhound races, guess which number will be next the second before it actually appears

-walking down the street with your knees always together so that your speed decreases dramatically

i think i gots a pretty good life here

you don't need to speak french to go to paris

I'm living proof of this blog title! When we left on the train to go to Paris I literally knew bonjour, merci, au revoir, and excusez-moi. ( I learned that last little gem compliments of 2nd grade.) People sort of condescendingly told me I'd have a rough week ahead of me in Paris, but I told them I didn't intend to speak very much. Then they told me I would at least have to order food (I can mimic something written, duh), and I told them that that's why I have fingers. Pointing is great. 


Paris is a very fabulous place but it is also dangerous and dirty and sometimes sketchy. Especially in the Sacre Coer area of town. Mobs of 30 year old african men that call you baby/sexy/lady gaga and hold out a loop of string so they can tie it to your finger and then they won't give it back until you give them money. not appreciated. 


there were also many other sketch happenings that occurred to girls in my program on the metro. but we were also groups of girls. one of the girls here had her fiance with her and they pretty much had no problems at all. realizing that you're a target for pick-pocketing and all kinds of other bad crap is really a disturbing feeling. 


i just say that because i don't like when people over romanticize places. there is a lot of bad about paris, but there is so much good, as well! it's so beautiful, and the french people were really very kind and patient with us idiots that spoke no french. i made myself look considerably stupid more times than i can count by my ignorance, but it serves me right. chalk it up to experience and next time i go i will be more prepared! and my french vocab is now booming! (maybe that's a slight/gross exaggeration.)

Versailles is so beautiful in the fall!

 We ARE the Eiffel Tower

 Do we look like zombies?

 Spying on Louvre goers is the bext

One of my favorite places

It's even more beautiful than it looks

Did I mention that I was a Ninja Turtle (Raphael, to be exact) for Halloween???

tee hee!!

Next up: More Paris pics and my trip to the beach!!!

what i love/hate

what i avidly hate so much right now i can't get it out of my brain:

BOOTS WITH SOCKS

and by "right now" i mean i have been thinking about this for weeks. now when i say that i hate this, that isn't actually 100% true. more i am just both fascinated and puzzled by it. to tell the truth i actually sort of like what's going on in the picture above. i think probably i am just more jealous that not only am i boots retarded, but now i am sock/boots retarded because i'm thinking i probably won't be able to figure out how to do this trend. like unto my scarf retardation. 

also that means i need to go buy all kinds of colorful/interesting socks/ankle boots now? for this fad that will last for how long??? also sometimes it is just so freaking everywhere it pisses me off!! i hate things that are hyped! that's why i hate in-n-out. judge as you may! also i hate when i see pictures of some people doing it ALL THE TIME. seriously. stop. do it occasionally. there is no need to do this every time you leave your house. 

see, i like this too! but why are her boots so tall?? actually if you google it there's so many pics of girls with boots up their thighs and then socks above that! why are you wearing socks/boots that tall?? where am i even supposed to find them??? clearly, fashion stresses me out. as always. 

now to my #1 hate of this fad: GIRL! your socks are too tall for your boots! ROLL THEM DOWN! freak. just looking at that makes me mad. yeesh. you don't have to wear tall socks with every freaking pair of boots you own. really, you don't. 

what i love:

Guy Fawkes Day!!! Especially in London! November 5 is a great holiday you can learn all about in V for Vendetta. And in London they burn Guy Fawkes effigies and there are tons and tons of fireworks. almost as good as 4th of july. almost. except when during the fireworks they play katy perry's 'firework' and you and your american friends are the only ones shout-singing all the words/dancing wildly. especially at the part about the 4th of july.

i love this even though my eyes be supa clozed

i love how many people show up for it! and besides that people just buy fireworks and light them off all over the city! its so fun. and me and my friend kinsey stopped at this little shop on the way home and got fish and chips in like this open funnel that they make of paper and i've seen it done in movies and i was so excited to finally get one myself! legit. and so yums with vinegar and salt. 

the only problem with guy fawkes day is that technically its a celebration that guy fawkes failed at his plan and was tortured, and then sentenced to death with his friends and right before they were about to do like 10 more horrific and gruesome things to him he jumped off the scaffold where the gallows were and broke his back, and died. at least that way he didn't have to endure more torture. but they still cut him up into a lot of pieces and displayed them all over the city. so when you burn a guy fawkes effigy you really aren't supporting anything expressed in v for vendetta. you're doing the opposite. the fireworks and celebration are to celebrate that the king was still alive. boo. i support the celebration and fireworks with all my heart! but clearly the meaning should be reversed. and for most people i think it is. and that's pretty great, i suppose. 

ALSO! i played soccer yesterday in the weekly saturday morning game with the girls here at my center and i made a goal :] maybe one of my life's proudest moments! yayyyy!!!! so proud and happppy! i gotsta keep practicing if i want to make my team proud.

after today i have exactly one month left here. can't even believe it. 

(yes his movie was sick, and YES he IS just as gorgeous/kind in person)

what i wrote 2 weeks ago but never published

i feel like having a blog is as difficult as writing in your journal, in some ways. so many things happen every day here and i feel overwhelmed by it so i don't blog and then each day there's so much more to say that i'm behind on so i keep not blogging and then there's a million lost details. i think i'll really blog about london, once i leave london. but that's why people tell me they don't journal. because eventually it's been 6 months of life that they're behind on and it's easier to not write than to try to recap the past 6 months to your journal. so i guess i'm gonna try to just start from where i am.

but i guess first i'll go back a bit. i remember thinking that i'd never get here. that i'd never actually be here! well, i remember thinking that maybe i shouldn't come here. i was scared and unsure. i was scared about leaving the comfortable life that i had built for myself. but that's stupid. and being scared is never a good enough reason not to do something. and true, the world, and life, doesn't wait for me. or anyone. but this is one of the best decisions i've ever made and has already impacted my life in the best ways. has changed it in some ways.

i remember the weekend before i was supposed to come there was a hurricane. i had already been a bit nervous about everything not happening because of all the riots here. which i have been pretty much totally unaffected by. but everyone would tell me every day about the riots and how bad they were. anyway, i was supposed to fly to jfk so i could fly to london with bryn. but there was a hurricane. i'd worked so hard and spent extra money getting the flight to go through jfk in the first place and i didn't want it to be for nothing. but i also didn't want to get to london a week late should my flight be cancelled. (if my flight was cancelled i wouldn't be able to fly out until the end of the week instead of the beginning. thus the week.) i called the airlines, they told me to change my flight. there were only 2 seats on 1 other flight available. i had half an hour to make my decision. the storm hit the day before i was supposed to leave. the airports in ny/nj opened up the day i left. i did change my flight. even though in the end i don't think my initial flight was cancelled or delayed at all. but i don't know. so all that effort like 8 months ago was for nothing. but this way i got to go through amsterdam and i flew on my own to 2 new countries and got to my destination on my own. one of the most stressful weekends of my life, but it all worked out and i'm actually grateful for the experience. i felt proud of myself.

and now i'm here! and everything has been just ideal pretty much since day 1. i can't say enough good things about this experience. we're leaving for paris in a week! for a week! and we get to do pretty much whatever we want! this study abroad is focused so much on introspection and self discovery and i feel like i've learned so much about myself. how i think. how i work. what i want and like. i mean just more. there's been more time to learn more about myself than i already knew. we'll get to that later. or i will. you might be bored.

like i said i think i'll really start to reflect on LONDON once i'm not in it any more. and i suppose england/europe, for that matter. but for now a lot of my reflections just have to do with my and my life. not london, specifically.

RANGERS!! WORLD SERIOUS. woot. represent. holla. i love them dearly. they are often like my wayward child- i love them unconditionally and always, but they do sometimes upset and disappoint me. like game 3. but game 3 is DEAD TO ME so we won't discuss it. games here start at 1:05 am so yeah it's tough to watch them. but the 2 that i've watched we've lost. of course. to the glee of my friend here that watches them with me and is an avid cardinals fan. barf. seriously.

(11/6) so all that i wrote like 2 weeks ago. the rangers lost as i thought they might, but i still love them anyways. for my religion project here i actually have to start writing in this thing.....yeah. so i'm supposed to do blog updates twice a week for the next month. TWICE! gah!! i was a bit late on deciding my project so hopefully this will all still be enough. 


PARIS. too much to say. i will make a whole post on paris in the very near future. it's somethin else!

what i am right now

right now i am 21 years old. my birthday was september 22. here's a picture of me and my friends at a pub. i am in the midst of turning 21! can't you tell?

right now i live in london. see? here's a picture of me at shakespeare's globe. proof! i've lived here for over a month. 

that's in london, people!

right now i have a strange achy feeling below my chest but above my stomach. 

right now i miss my sister. i miss my brother. i miss my mom. i miss being able to talk to them whenever i want. i miss laughing with them. 

right now i miss my friends in provo, i worry i am missing out and they will forget me. 

right now i'm worried that bryn and i will be able to find a place to live in the winter. 

right now i am still upset over losing my favorite shirt here in the very first week. (it was in the washer, but wasn't in the dryer) :'(

the last documented picture of me wearing my favorite shirt. at the BBC Prom(s)!!!

right now i'm still upset over losing my stuffed animal mouse in edinburgh, scotland! 

right now i miss my friends back home! i've known them most of my life. they've made me who i am and i never get to see them enough because now i am old and i don't live at home and i never will again. maybe i'll never even live near home again.

right now i'm worried about the fact that i sometimes feel out of place here. 

right now i'm worried that my personal essay is completely convoluted and makes no sense. it doesn't say what i want it to. 

right now i'm worried about signing up for winter classes! i have no idea what to take!

right now i'm worried about finding a job when i get home. 

right now i'm excited about our southwestern trip next week! i've always wanted to see stonehenge. and i'm excited for when we go to paris.

right now i'm excited for the fact that my parents are coming here for a week for thanksgiving! 

right now i worry that my hair is getting to a very awkward length. 

right now i worry that i'm short with my friends because i'm sensitive and i feel claustrophobic 

right now i worry that i am too sensitive

right now i feel grateful to be here

right now i feel proud of my major

right now i feel i live in such a beautiful place

this is the Thames at night from the Southbank. You can see St. Paul's, too. 

right now i think that i am too self-conscious

right now i wonder exactly why all the boys in my past didn't like me

right now i wonder where my lost shirt is

right now i want to eat more of my double stuf oreos

right now i feel a little bad about the fact that i have an illegal stash of food contraband underneath my bed. but not bad enough to move it. 

right now i really want to be in a play again

right now i really want to listen to the radio

right now i really want to sing

right now i really want to drive my car! i miss my car. 

right now i am really glad that my cell phone doesn't work on this continent. peaceful.

right now i just put a stash of chocolate above the slate of the bunk above me

right now i wonder if i talk too much. i worry that i do. 

right now i wonder if i'd like to dye/highlight my hair brown/blonde. 

right now i wonder why i have stretch marks on my hips. at 21!

right now i wonder if i'll ever get to see all the films i want to

right now, despite all my worries and fears, i am really happy here. i wish all my education could exclusively be done through study abroads

right now i'm thankful for the gospel

right now i wish i could talk to dylan

this is a picture he sent me of him wearing the giraffe tie i got him before his mish. so kewt.

right now i am grateful for the friends i've made here. i really love them. 

and this is hardly any of them!

right now i am grateful for all i get to see and do here. every day. 

 no bigs, just cambridge. 

just chillin in the northern english countryside

right now i'm grateful for the risks i've taken here. 

lake district. and to think, at first i didn't want to hike up here. 

yeah, i'd say i'm livin pretty good here.